I always wondered how my body would respond to pregnancy. Now I know. It has been like nothing I have ever experienced before. Let's try to paint for you an accurate picture, shall we?
Imagine the worst nausea you've ever had, times it by 3 and it DOESN'T. GO. AWAY. FOR. WEEKS. You are extremely fatigued but are unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours in a 24-hour period, are shaky, physically weak, and your heart pounds so hard it feels it's going to jump out of your chest. You also have severe headaches and abdominal pain, and all tastes and smells disgust you-even that fabulously-scented soap that your friend gave you for Christmas! Gag!-and the look of and thought of any food makes you want to hurl. All. The. Time. For the first 4 weeks I was in survival-mode: living simply to be able to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. Those were the main priorities, and my body had to fight for them.
It's one of the lowest places I have been in my life. I could not control it, and the medications and suggestions to remedy the sickness either worked a bit or had no effect at all. It was a very lonely and dark place to be. A very dark place.
Life was constant misery, lived laying down on a couch in a tiny apartment, alone, with every smell and taste, loud sound, bright light, movement, or even touch from other people surrounding me increasing the sickness. I just wanted night to come so I could try and sleep and escape it all, even if only for a few hours. I could hardly work, go to church and my social calendar became completely non-existent. Never before had I been so isolated and felt so alone. My other illnesses had never taken me completely out of life and functioning like this one.
I felt no excitement over a baby coming from all of this because I couldn't grasp that glimmer in the middle of all of the crud. I knew the Savior was there, but I needed some human supporters. But because we weren't telling most people, not even family yet, I was going through this so utterly, utterly alone. A few of the people I did tell out of necessity responded to my plight by saying, "Sometimes you just have to push through it", or "I couldn't take a break when I had morning sickness. I had to work, be a mom and do everyday things."
Couldn't these people see that I was already pushing myself hard to function? Couldn't they see that I couldn't control what was happening to my body? That I could hardly hold myself up? That I was literally breaking down right before their eyes because I could hardly eat? Couldn't they see that I needed some understanding, even if they couldn't understand what I was going through because they hadn't experienced it themselves?
I wanted it all to end, but never once, did I want this pregnancy to end. I never wanted that life inside me to cease simply so I could feel better. I had a bit of faith carrying me through, and I held onto it like the Iron Rod.
So I started asking the Lord for some tender mercies, specifically to help me not feel alone. I asked for understanding and support from other people. And one by one, sometimes in throngs, he delivered.
The first was having our first ultrasound at 7 weeks. Being able to see that baby brought beauty to the pregnancy in the midst of the misery.
The primary president in our ward cheerfully took over singing time for the 3 weeks when I couldn't attend church. One of the gals in the Primary presidency had also been very sick with her pregnancies and we sparked a budding friendship. My husband told the primary gals that I am not the kind to ask for help, and they gave him their phone numbers and told him if I wouldn't ask for help for him to tell them instead! The bond that has developed with these women has been very strong and I know I can turn to them.
My friend and supervisor at work helped come up with a plan to help lighten my load right now. I have fewer kids on my caseload, and I won't have to see kids later into the afternoon when the sickness is the worst. This was a huge blessing!
My sister has been one of the biggest supports of all. She gets horrendously ill with her pregnancies-hyperemesis gravidarum anyone? She definitely had it MUCH worse than me, and is the closest person to me who knows what this is like. I cannot express how grateful I am for her! She checks in with me, has offered help and talks with me when I am having an especially hard time. I wish she hadn't gone through what she did-it was pure hell for her-but I am so grateful because it means she can be there for me in a way no one else can.
My closest friends have come to visit, one even bringing and making dinner for us! My best friend Sarah brought by a gift of a baby toy by last week to help me remember what the result of these 9 months will be, a beautiful child. In the throws of the first week of my illness, she sent me this, which I have continued to look at from time to time when I need help keeping perspective....
One of the biggest surprise blessings came in the form of some of the mothers that I work with that showered me with understanding because they had experienced the same thing. It was absolutely overwhelming! They validated how hard this can really be, and told me that if I ever couldn't keep my appointments with them because I was sick, they were totally okay with it.
I had appointments with those mothers on some of the days that I was struggling the hardest, and they boosted me up in ways that no other person could have. I know that I was supposed to see them on those days, or rather, that Heavenly Father knew I would need those mothers on those days, and he orchestrated it so I could have one morsel of empathy to help me get through one more day.
That's the way Heavenly Father works. He doesn't always give us all we need or take our problems away immediately, but gives us little morsels, manna, if you will, to sustain us, one minute, hour, day or week at a time. And though that is hard to accept sometimes, I am glad for it. I see Him more because of the challenges in my life. I see His hand in the challenges, letting me know I am not alone, I am not forgotten, I am not unimportant to Him. It is in all the seemingly small and insignificant things that He does for me that show how significant I really am.
Though the sickness is still here, it has lightened over the last few weeks with meds that help some, less stress and time. I have felt the power of the prayers of others as I try to function each day. I feel more excitement for this pregnancy and the baby that will be born. I am glad that through it all, Heavenly Father had poured out tender mercies upon me. And He really has poured them. I know He will continue to rain them down upon me, even in the midst of the raining down of trials and troubles. Because He loves me, and He is a God of Tender Mercies :)
It's one of the lowest places I have been in my life. I could not control it, and the medications and suggestions to remedy the sickness either worked a bit or had no effect at all. It was a very lonely and dark place to be. A very dark place.
Life was constant misery, lived laying down on a couch in a tiny apartment, alone, with every smell and taste, loud sound, bright light, movement, or even touch from other people surrounding me increasing the sickness. I just wanted night to come so I could try and sleep and escape it all, even if only for a few hours. I could hardly work, go to church and my social calendar became completely non-existent. Never before had I been so isolated and felt so alone. My other illnesses had never taken me completely out of life and functioning like this one.
I felt no excitement over a baby coming from all of this because I couldn't grasp that glimmer in the middle of all of the crud. I knew the Savior was there, but I needed some human supporters. But because we weren't telling most people, not even family yet, I was going through this so utterly, utterly alone. A few of the people I did tell out of necessity responded to my plight by saying, "Sometimes you just have to push through it", or "I couldn't take a break when I had morning sickness. I had to work, be a mom and do everyday things."
Couldn't these people see that I was already pushing myself hard to function? Couldn't they see that I couldn't control what was happening to my body? That I could hardly hold myself up? That I was literally breaking down right before their eyes because I could hardly eat? Couldn't they see that I needed some understanding, even if they couldn't understand what I was going through because they hadn't experienced it themselves?
I wanted it all to end, but never once, did I want this pregnancy to end. I never wanted that life inside me to cease simply so I could feel better. I had a bit of faith carrying me through, and I held onto it like the Iron Rod.
So I started asking the Lord for some tender mercies, specifically to help me not feel alone. I asked for understanding and support from other people. And one by one, sometimes in throngs, he delivered.
The first was having our first ultrasound at 7 weeks. Being able to see that baby brought beauty to the pregnancy in the midst of the misery.
 |
| We have a blueberry! Or rather, a blueberry-sized baby! |
My friend and supervisor at work helped come up with a plan to help lighten my load right now. I have fewer kids on my caseload, and I won't have to see kids later into the afternoon when the sickness is the worst. This was a huge blessing!
My sister has been one of the biggest supports of all. She gets horrendously ill with her pregnancies-hyperemesis gravidarum anyone? She definitely had it MUCH worse than me, and is the closest person to me who knows what this is like. I cannot express how grateful I am for her! She checks in with me, has offered help and talks with me when I am having an especially hard time. I wish she hadn't gone through what she did-it was pure hell for her-but I am so grateful because it means she can be there for me in a way no one else can.
My closest friends have come to visit, one even bringing and making dinner for us! My best friend Sarah brought by a gift of a baby toy by last week to help me remember what the result of these 9 months will be, a beautiful child. In the throws of the first week of my illness, she sent me this, which I have continued to look at from time to time when I need help keeping perspective....
One of the biggest surprise blessings came in the form of some of the mothers that I work with that showered me with understanding because they had experienced the same thing. It was absolutely overwhelming! They validated how hard this can really be, and told me that if I ever couldn't keep my appointments with them because I was sick, they were totally okay with it.
I had appointments with those mothers on some of the days that I was struggling the hardest, and they boosted me up in ways that no other person could have. I know that I was supposed to see them on those days, or rather, that Heavenly Father knew I would need those mothers on those days, and he orchestrated it so I could have one morsel of empathy to help me get through one more day.
That's the way Heavenly Father works. He doesn't always give us all we need or take our problems away immediately, but gives us little morsels, manna, if you will, to sustain us, one minute, hour, day or week at a time. And though that is hard to accept sometimes, I am glad for it. I see Him more because of the challenges in my life. I see His hand in the challenges, letting me know I am not alone, I am not forgotten, I am not unimportant to Him. It is in all the seemingly small and insignificant things that He does for me that show how significant I really am.
Though the sickness is still here, it has lightened over the last few weeks with meds that help some, less stress and time. I have felt the power of the prayers of others as I try to function each day. I feel more excitement for this pregnancy and the baby that will be born. I am glad that through it all, Heavenly Father had poured out tender mercies upon me. And He really has poured them. I know He will continue to rain them down upon me, even in the midst of the raining down of trials and troubles. Because He loves me, and He is a God of Tender Mercies :)
Brian and I with our little one :)
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